You can use all the luck you can get. Here are your April Horoscopes.

April is home to many holidays from April Fool’s Day (yes, this is a holiday) to Easter. There’s also National Garlic Day, National Pigs In A Blanket Day, and National Pretzel Day. There are a lot of made-up food-related holidays in April. We just assume everyone loves to eat. You thought you had to get over all the reasons you had to eat during the winter. Time to renew that gym membership! Oh yeah, and planets are aligning or whatever, so here are April’s horoscopes.


Mercury is doing something up there in space to make you really crave sugar. You’re going out to all kinds of stores and purchasing soda pop, candy, and mocha frappes with extra caramel drizzle. You’re on such an intense sugar high that you end up at the top of Mt. Everest and you didn’t even know it. Congratulations, you’re the first Aries up there. There’s no Starbucks up there so you have to find your way back down.


Mercury once again comes back to harass a Taurus, but they don’t flinch. This month is the month of the Taurus. They’re going to get all kinds of things done this month. They’re finally going to fold clothes straight out of the dryer instead of putting it on a chair and just picking off said chair. Don’t let anyone tell you that it isn’t an accomplishment.


Jupiter and Saturn are getting together, but not romantically, because if they touched it would probably be catastrophic to the entire galaxy. Of course, none of this matters to the Gemini, they’re going to get up and get going. They’re going to try jogging outside for the first time, accidentally step on an Easter egg full of candy, make some kid cry. Burn those calories running from angry parents. This is why you don’t run outside.


Mars and Pluto will do their thing and if you’re a single Cancer, then you’re in luck, you’ll finally meet the person of your dreams. They’re so perfect and they like the same flavor of cheesecake as you do. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with them. That is, of course, until your visitation hours are over, and the prison guard tells you to come back next week. It’s okay, their parole is only five years away.

Leo Saturn and Pluto are really going to stress a Leo out. Like really stress a Leo out. If you thought you knew stress, now you are going to know extra stress. The stress evolves into Super Stress. All because Pluto is being a jerk. Try some breathing exercises.


Mars and Pluto are at it again. They’re making a Virgo have strong emotions for every emotion. Every emotion a Virgo feels will be the highest, most potent emotion it could be. Angry? Try SUPER angry. Sad? Try SUPER sad. It’ll be the mood swing of the century, but at least the cosmic planets are aligning and stuff.


Saturn will make a Libra want to try something new. Why do an old boring April Fool’s Joke when you can do something completely original like telling the world that you’re pregnant. It’ll be extra confusing if the people you’re telling know you don’t even have a man. You haven’t even talked to one, but it’s okay, that just makes it all the more confusing when your parents know the only man you’ve talked to is your cousin Billy from Alabama.


Saturn is here for a Scorpio too. Saturn will make a Scorpio want to try something new. Make a career change. Why go stagnant as the manager of your own business branch when you can go and do something that will make you more active like serving tacos out of a truck? It’s the worst possible financial decision you can make, but at least you’re trying something new. Thanks, Saturn!


Jupiter is doing its thing and making a Sagittarius the best Easter egg hider out of all the other zodiac signs. They hide eggs so well that even they forget where they put them. That is until you realize you have the smell of rotting eggs everywhere you go. Were you using REAL eggs? You’re supposed to use plastic ones full of candy. Oh well.


Mars is going to make a Capricorn try something daring. It doesn’t matter what age they are. They’re going to try something no one has ever attempted. Taking a motorcycle off a ramp and over a bunch of cars. Stuntmen have attempted this before, but you’re not doing this for a show, you’re doing this in the parking lot of a grocery store. See? Daring!

Aquarius It’s time to roll up your sleeves because Mercury is going to make the Aquarius work this month. They’re going to work hard and have all the energy and tenacity to get a promotion. Of course, your other coworkers will call you a brownnoser or a suck-up, but hey, at least you got the corner office.


Finally, Jupiter is here to make the Pisces go viral on social media. It might not be for the right reasons, but at least you’re getting some exposure. It might be for something dumb you did that got caught on camera, but at least people know your name now. Just don’t run for president any time soon, or ever.

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