November is upon us and we’re glad that the stores have been stocked with every Fall through Winter holiday since September. Seriously, it’s like every year the stores start stocking a month earlier than the year before. In a couple of years, decorations will start going up in January. Every store right now is a Frankenstein creation of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It isn’t the store’s fault, it’s you, the consumers who are driving businesses to this trend. Hooray for Capitalism! Anyway, here’s your horoscopes for November.
March 21 — April 19
If you’re an Aries, then you’re going to have a very unlucky month. In fact, if I were you, I would add an extra fire extinguisher to your kitchen this month if you plan on cooking because you’re going to burn that bird. You might want to get a second bird just in case. Actually, you know what? Just get takeout for Thanksgiving this year.
April 20 — May 2
Taurus might actually be worse off than an Aries if that’s even possible. The Taurus has a large and politically divided family and, looking at the current political landscape, there’s going to be a lot of in-fighting between your weird Uncle and your sister or cousin. It’s best to just sit at the far side of the table.
March 21 — May 20
Gemini’s are fighters. They’ve been training all year for the eventual brawl that’s going to happen at this year’s Black Friday. They’ve been practicing sliding under metal doors as they’re opening, pushing their way through a crowd, and pepper spraying themselves to get their eyes accustomed to spice. It’s all worth saving $50 off a television.
June 21 — July 22
Unlike others who are ready to get a black eye on Black Friday, you are smart and are going to take advantage of Cyber Monday. You can sit from the comfort of your own home and order everything you want to your heart’s content. However, every time you get the notification that your package has been delivered, you open your door to see nothing. After investigation using your neighbor’s creepy door camera, you find people are parking out front, walking up to your house, and just taking the package as if it belongs to them. Who does that?
July 23 - Aug 22
A Leo really does like to try something new. They’re going to go on those weird do-it-yourself blogs and find some weird new vegan gluten-free non-GMO turkey stuffing that everybody is going to hate. They’re going to pretend that they’re enjoying themselves like everyone did when Rachel made her Shepard’s Pie on Friends, but really, they’re going to be dying inside.
Aug23 – Sept 22
With Virgos, the name of the game is tryptophan. It’s the stuff found in turkey that makes you want to go into a permanent food coma. You’ll end up falling asleep right after a meal and missing all the post-meal activities like screaming at men throwing a dead pig around and tackling each other or a giant inflatable Snoopy (because that’s fun for some reason).
Sept 23 - Oct 22
If you thought you had bloating issues, then you’re going to experience a whole new kind of bloating as a Libra this Thanksgiving. It isn’t the kind of bloating that you can just moan through on your father’s old recliner. No, this is the kind of bloating you see on those commercials for powerful pharmaceutical medications where there’s a happy couple playing with their dog in the yard while half the commercial is talking about the terrible side effects. “You may experience mild nausea, a busted spleen, or even death. Talk to your doctor today about Pherlamoxcyla.”
Oct 23 - Nov 21
Scorpios don’t even like Thanksgiving. In fact, they’re the type of woke internet warrior who will go on about how Thanksgiving was something something Pilgrim slaughter. Salem Witch Trials or whatever Thanksgiving was about before it became about murdering turkeys. They’re the types who will pull their child out of school if they make a hand turkey out of construction paper and make it about cultural appropriation for turkeys.
Nov 22-Dec 21
Like Scorpios, a Sagittarius doesn’t even like Thanksgiving, but not because of anything related to why the Scorpio doesn’t like Thanksgiving. They just believe Fall is only about Halloween. They will hold on to their Halloween decorations as long as it’s socially acceptable until it’s okay to decorate for Christmas. It’s November and they’re still in a witch costume drinking wine straight from the bottle.
Dec 22 - Jan 19
A Capricorn is going to have a relatively normal Thanksgiving compared to everyone else. They’re going to make normal food, have a normal conversation at the dinner table with family, and clean up in time for Black Friday. They’re going to put on a suit of body armor with pepper spray attachments and be the one who gets the TV first at the store. They already have a criminal record for assault, they can’t go anywhere but down now.
Jan 20 - Feb 18
An Aquarius is going to feel the holiday blues. They live paycheck to paycheck and can’t afford to see family, or can’t afford to fly family in. They’re watching the Thanksgiving parade while eating turkey out of a can and wondering where it all went wrong. It could be worse; you could have forgotten to pay the electric bill. That’s when the power goes out. Yes, it got worse.
Feb 19 - March 20
A Pisces is the bridezilla of Thanksgiving: Thankszilla. They are going to be so incredibly anal about everything down to possible murder charges if you mess up the yams that you’re not going to want to ever be around a Pisces ever again. They’re normally pretty calm the rest of the year, but some kind of deep-rooted childhood issues always surface around Thanksgiving. At least they don’t over salt the turkey.