Stores and restaurants are slowly starting to open again, and jobs everywhere are calling employees back from the dark corners of the caves where they've been for months. Some people have been working from home, and now their places of business want to see their smiling faces again. However, they just want to keep working from home because they're starting to see everything they took for granted while they're back among the general population. Back into the real world, where savages are running amok without masks to combat the pandemic, and just people's general physical ugliness. Now we're all sitting at work six-feet apart from one another wishing it was fifty. I wonder if the boss will be upset if I ask to cut out a little early so I have time to clean my room? Truth be told I am an institutionalized man now. I can't make it on the outside. Maybe I can fake a cough and they'll send me back?
Using The Bathroom Whenever We Wanted
Our bathroom is our sacred throne room. We didn’t quite appreciate what we had in our privacy until we were sitting in a stall that still has a crack you can peek through and someone having a loud phone conversation in the other stall.
Who has an entire cell phone conversation in another stall? How are you not embarrassed to talk to someone on the phone while you're doing your business? I would feel weird if I were on the other end hearing stuff drop into the water. I pray you were just making pasta and dropping rotini noodles one at a time into the water.
The best part about being quarantined is we could go to the bathroom whenever we wanted. We didn’t have to wait for a break and awkwardly walk around with a bow-legged stance trying to hold it in as we asked our boss for a quick bathroom break. No, we just walked directly into our bathroom that had the amazing scent of whatever candles we had lit in there. We didn’t walk into a public bathroom absolutely ravaged by some lady’s unsupervised kid.
We Ate Whenever We Wanted
A lot of food delivery places offered free delivery during the quarantine. We were enjoying free delivery fees. Can you imagine ordering anything you wanted and paying as if you were there at the restaurant? You didn't have to overhear people's awkward conversations about their day or the couple who only gets one date night a week. You could just order food delivery and just have food magically be at your door with contactless delivery. Yes, contactless delivery. That means you open your door and the food is there with no greasy minimum wage delivery teenager in sight.
We didn't have to wait for our lunch breaks to go into a break room filled with the aroma of someone's leftover fish. Who brings leftover fish to work? Isn't there some kind of unwritten rule about not bringing food that assaults the senses? How can someone possibly be that nose blind? We could just go to the refrigerator whenever we wanted. We just hop up from our work chairs at home and open the fridge and have all of our stuff there instead of a colorful display of lunchboxes and someone's oddly wrapped cake that's been there for months. It was our moldy fridge, and it was glorious!
We also ate however we wanted. There’s a certain etiquette when eating around other people. When drinking tea, the pinky goes up and we sip silently like an old British aristocrat with a white wig. When we ate, we took one bite at a time as if we were mindfully eating so as not to make noises to those around us. That all went out the window when we were in quarantine. We slurped up our drinks, sounded like pigs at a feeding trough when we ate, and passed gas whenever we wanted. There were no limits!
We Didn’t Have To Put Up With Other People
The worst part about being back outside is we have to be around other people. We enjoyed our alone time. We enjoyed being on Zoom chat and pasting a picture of our face over the webcam so we could take a nap during meetings that could have been emailed. We had an excuse to ignore texts from coworkers who don’t stop talking.
We didn't have to worry about workplace drama because we were in the kind of physical proximity of each other where we could pretend we genuinely cared about people only to gossip behind their backs while trying not to strangle each other daily. We could just say "Sorry, I was taking a nap" when people texted because we were actually taking a nap. We took plenty of naps during the quarantine. We can't nap whenever we want or wherever we want now. Some days we just woke up on the couch after our third nap of the day. It's not possible to wake up in our break room after our third nap of the day without getting a pink slip handed to us from our boss.
Oh quarantine, my dear sweet quarantine, I'm so sorry I ever took you for granted.