Planets have aligned or whatever, March Horoscopes are here!

March Horoscopes

March is full of holidays such as Saint Patrick’s Day and, um, well that’s it. There are smaller obscure holidays such as Dentist’s Day and National Frozen Food month, but we’re 100% sure they’re all made up holidays by some dentist named Robert who loves frozen food. Anyway, some planets aligned or whatever and now we have to tell you stuff because some giant space rocks are near each other, so here you go:


Starting a new relationship is hard. Fortunately, an Aries doesn’t need to worry about starting a new relationship because the energy just isn’t with you this month. They’re with your high school friend who is wildly more successful than you because they aren’t wasting time reading horoscopes and working towards their life goals.


A Taurus is going to take things slow this month. It isn’t because they have to take things slow, it’s because they need to take things slow. They were cursed by a witch and the only way to break the curse and move at a normal speed is to go into a crowded venue on St. Patrick’s Day during a St. Patrick’s Day party and not wear any green. Let the pinching begin.


A Gemini looks to inspire this month. They will inspire others to do better. They aren’t doing it by being inspirational, no, they’re doing it because they failed so hard at something it inspired others to hopefully never make the same mistake as the Gemini. Oh well, at least Mercury or whatever will give them decent teeth this month.


Cancers will finally get things done, eventually. This is a new month, that means it’s a new them. They were the type who said, “new year, new me” when 2020 came around, but nothing has been done so far. We don’t blame them though, with as bad of a January as it was for everyone, we all deserve March as our, “let’s start fresh” month.


Leo is going to make some big changes in their life. Not any major life changes, but big changes such as finally moving the plant into another room or getting a new plant for that room. There’s just something so nice about having a plant in the room. It brings energy to the room and looks really creepy in the dark as if someone’s standing there in the corner.


Virgo needs to change their mood this month. January probably wasn’t the best month for a Virgo. They let things get to them they shouldn’t have. A positive change in a mood would do wonders for a Virgo this month. Let things go and don’t sweat the small stuff. Let the guy holding you at knifepoint have your wallet with a smile, it’s going to be a happy month for you.


A Libra is going to open up a little more socially this month. They’re going to go to their office’s St. Patrick’s Day party and finally approach the coworker they’ve had their eyes on. Of course, they’re going to be socially awkward about it and probably pinch them if they weren’t wearing green. That’s a one-way ticket to the human resources department.


The planets are going to be in the right place at the right time for a Scorpio. A Scorpio is going to enjoy all kinds of great things this month. Love, fortune, luck and they might even adopt a new pet. Yes, everything is going smoothly, maybe too smoothly. You pinch yourself and don’t feel it. It’s just a dream, your boss is standing over you with a pink slip for sleeping at work. Good job Scorpio.


Sagittarius will enjoy a month full of getting spammed with St. Patrick’s Day sales coupons in their mail. They don’t even shop anywhere outside of Amazon. What are they going to do with all this junk mail? Who goes out on St. Patrick’s Day to get a great deal on a new washing machine? A Sagittarius would like to meet the people with that much expendable income.


It’s the Capricorn’s month to come clean about everything and start with a blank slate. Tell your boss that you were the one who stole their lunch that one day. Tell your friend Brenda that you were the one sending suggestive texts to her husband Jason. It’s time to get it all off of your chest. The world might burn around you but at least the weight is off of your shoulders.


It’s time to expand your household Aquarius. You’ll have all kinds of new life in your house. Unfortunately, they won’t be children or pets. They will be termites and other bugs, but hey, at least the people who come to spray your house will give you an ounce of social interaction.


Finally, a Pisces will develop stronger relationships with the people around them. Not “strong” as in connection, strong as in strength. You are your family, friends, and coworkers can finally go back to the gym after the “New Year’s Resolution” people finally gave up. You’ll all come out at the end of March with bulging biceps.

Just survive March and hopefully, April will be better for you.

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