May Horoscopes: How did we do?

May is full of fun holidays from Cinco De Mayo to Mother’s Day. Is there really anything better than spending time with or remembering your mother while having access to affordable tacos through Cinco De Mayo promotions at Mexican restaurants? Of course, having the planets aligning and their cosmic powers or whatever only make the tacos tastier, apparently. Let’s take a look at May Horoscopes.


Saturn is ready to help you out with your professional career. Whether Saturn is going to be so beautifully noticeable in the sky to mesmerize your boss into giving you a promotion or its gravity sends a small meteorite directly into your boss’s house so that you’re next in line because of your company’s succession policy. Either way, Saturn is looking out for your professional life.


Venus will come through for a Taurus this month by making them unnaturally happy about everything. No matter what it is. You could find roadkill on the road and be happy that the animal is in a better place. You could be happy over winning one dollar through a lottery scratcher despite spending five dollars on it. Life might be an entire series of unfortunate events, but you’ll be sitting there at the end of the day smiling for absolutely no reason. It might be time to ask your psychiatrist to lower the dosage on your medication.


It’s time for more money in your pocket Gemini. However, that doesn’t mean every dollar you put away in your pocket this month is through completely harmless means. You might get into an unfortunate accident in a neighbor’s swimming pool with a pool noodle and sue the pool noodle company for millions. You’re rich in May but was it worth having post-traumatic stress disorder every time you see a pool noodle?


Cancers will make baby steps throughout May. They’ll have a series of small wins over the entire month as if it’s actually leading to one big win that will cap the month off. However, that’s not the case. On top of that, the small accomplishments are so minuscule that it makes no long-term impact. A Cancer’s phone bill might be cheaper this month but only because no one’s actually texting them. That’s okay, with the money they save they can take advantage of five for one Taco night on Cinco De Mayo by themselves. That’s considered a win.


Three planets will come together in May. Pluto, Mars, and Jupiter are coming together and will have the kind of cosmic power that will have absolutely no effect on a Leo. In fact, it might have a negative effect on Leos. Leos will accomplish so much in their head, but not actually move forward with any ideas because Leos will be in a perpetual state of no one taking them seriously or napping. There is no in-between during this month. Hopefully, next month will make them noticeable.


Venus and Uranus (the planet) will get together and bring a Virgo all kinds of luck. A Virgo will have the best luck, but at the cost of all the other horoscope signs. In fact, the planets will suck so much luck from the other horoscope signs, that they’ll actually lose entire possessions for a Virgo to come across for their luck. They’ll drop coins, dollar bills, and entire wallets. A Virgo isn’t going to return anything. They’re finally lucky for the first time in their lives, they deserve to keep whatever they find.


Mars will give a Libra the opportunity to finally get things done around the home. Whether it’s getting the siding done on the house or fixing the shingles on the roof, something will get done to the house itself. Libra won’t find the energy to do anything else, but at least the house will look nice to the people who actually drive by and look at houses anymore. Whatever happened to neighborhood house tours? Guessing the demographic of people who actually care are in nursing homes.

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Mercury will make a Scorpio start many exciting projects this month. There are so many projects to start and a lot of money will go into starting these projects. Unfortunately, starting projects is only half the battle as the second half of the battle is actually finishing these projects. Maybe at the end of the month, a project can be to clean up all the unfinished projects. At least Leos started the projects and that itself is an accomplishment.


Jupiter will make this a Mother’s Day to remember. Whether the Sagittarius is a mother or is giving to a mother, it will be a memorable one. A Sagittarius will finally put together a good Mother’s Day that isn’t just a card. If you’re a mother, then your children will actually put effort towards a decent Mother’s Day all because they’re starting to suffer that existential crisis of knowing you’re not going to be around forever, so they’re making sure they put effort into a gift and not grabbing the first card on the shelf that makes fart sounds.


April showers bring May flowers, as they say, but because your planet is being a jerk, you’re going to need to stock up on the high-quality allergy medications and not the off-brand stuff just because they tell you on the box to compare it to the name-brand allergy medications. Yes, you should compare the two, but there’s a reason why name-brand allergy medications are so expensive. They work!


An Aquarius shouldn’t jump into anything new, not metaphorically, literally do not jump into anything new. An Aquarius might see a puddle on the sidewalk and be tempted to jump into it, but the planets are aligning to the point where it might be a portal to another dimension where the only way to get out is to play a game of Jumanji with Robin Williams. Of course, once they come back from consciousness, an Aquarius will just find themselves with a concussion on a sidewalk puddle after slipping, so don’t jump INTO anything new.


A Pisces in May will be the friend that everyone thinks about but never wants to message first. A Pisces is the person left on read in Facebook messages, wondering why they’re not making an effort to respond. A Pisces this month will post something passionate on Facebook and get absolutely no interaction other than a like from an aunt they totally forgot existed. Maybe a social media detox will help.

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