July Horoscopes

July really is not known for much other than the 4th of July for Americans. Otherwise, it is just full of days to make us completely give up on another Summer where we do not have our beach bodies. There’s National Fried Chicken Day, National Ice Cream Day, and National Chili Dog Day. We might as well get a head start on our Winter bodies while we delude ourselves into thinking we will have a beach body by 2021.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19

The combination of celestial bodies will make the Capricorn finally take riskier risks. Capricorns are normally the ones who drive the speed limit but they’re finally going to drive five miles over the speed limit. Instead of mild hot sauce, they’re going to go for a spicier hot sauce. That’s the Capricorn’s definition of living on the edge.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18

The moon will shine its full beam directly into the home of any lucky Aquarius. The moonlight will give you the energy to do things you didn’t know you could do. You are stronger, faster, and more agile. Just don’t question anything when you see claw marks on your door and the news cycle talks of a werewolf sighting. It definitely wasn’t you, right?

Pisces Feb 19-March 20

National Gorgeous Grandma Day is a holiday in July and a Pisces is going to celebrate that on top of Be Nice To Jersey Day. What did Jersey do to make people feel the need to be nice to it? Maybe it’s because that’s where all the gorgeous grandmas are. Anyone looking forward to a road trip to Jersey this month? Happy July !

Aries March 21-April 19

An Aries will be happy to know that the right combination of planets will be stable just enough for them to get up from the fetal position on the floor. They will brush themselves off and think they are going to finally make something of themselves. Of course, the energy only lasts until the end of July and this epiphany did not happen until July 31st.

Taurus April 20-May 20

Put your professional goals aside if you’re a Taurus. July is the month where you get all your personal goals out of the way. Do you want to finally clean your room? Do it. Do you want to finally start a healthy workout routine? Do it. Do you want to write that 16-page letter to your ex describing your feelings right before their wedding? Do it.

Gemini May 21-June 20

Saturn and Venus will align to tell a Gemini that it’s time to rest. You’ve gone through so much since 2020. You were mildly inconvenienced a couple of times, your alarm clock didn’t go off that one time in February, and you burnt a frozen pizza. You were the poster child of first world problems. It’s time to sleep.

Cancer June 21-July 22

A Cancer will finally go out and have fun. A Cancer will go do something they’re not comfortable with doing like standing in the corner of a party and tweeting about how wild and crazy it is while not participating in anything at all. That fits their social requirements for the year. Back into the comfort of the bedroom.

Leo July 23-Aug 22

A Leo will lean into every weird holiday that July has to offer. Take Your Houseplants For A Walk Day? Bring the baby ficus. Take Your Pants For A Walk Day? Put a leash around your favorite pair of jeans. Yellow Pig Day? We don’t even want to know what that is.

Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22

Venus and Jupiter are up in space, out of reach, doing their own things so a Virgo can finally make that big romantic gesture. They’ll finally propose to their partners, they’ll finally take that vacation they’ve always talked about, they’ll finally buy them a huge Great Dane because they misunderstood that National Hot Dog Day was about food and not attractive animals.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22

July is the time a Libra cuts ties with all negativity in their life. That friend who is an emotional vampire? Goodbye. The family member who only posts annoying political memes on their wall? See you later? That squirrel who keeps giving you that weird look in the window every morning that makes you feel insecure? Bye Felicia.


Oct. 23-Nov 21

Unlike a Libra, the Scorpio will do what they can to keep the important people in their life. It takes a lot of effort to do so. Even just commenting on their Facebook wall when it’s their birthday instead of getting them an actual birthday present as a normal person would, but it’s the thought that counts. That’s enough effort, right?


Nov 22-Dec 21

July 14th is National Mac and Cheese day which means a Sagittarius can have a legitimate reason to consume an inordinate amount of macaroni and cheese. It’s not like they don’t do that already every other day because they don’t have legitimate culinary skills, but at least boiling water isn’t too difficult (for some people).

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