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Are You or Someone You Care About Suffering from News Amnesia?

Are You or Someone You Care About Suffering from News Amnesia? 1 in 4 Experts Could Possibly Think So if We Asked Them.

Written by: William Monnier

News Amnesia is highly contagious among adults but has not been known to affect children. Symptoms include extreme highs and low blood pressure, tribalism, alienating family members and loved ones, and a false sense of superiority. News Amnesia is so widespread in today’s culture that chances are, if you looked in a mirror today, you saw someone suffering from News Amnesia.

There is hope however, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and there is, dare I say it? There’s good news! I will stop short of claiming the Cheviot Gazette’s scientists have found a cure for News Amnesia, but that is only because we aren’t generating enough revenue to have adequate legal counsel on our payroll. I am, however, happy to report our team has discovered how this disease infects our minds and loved ones. This scientific breakthrough will allow the public to identify this once invisible disease with their naked eye. “If We Can See It Than We Can Beat it!”. And if we can’t, then at least we can all half-heartedly get behind a cliché slogan for the betterment of society.

Here’s how it works. Let’s say, for instance, one morning you decide to read any other newspaper besides the Cheviot Gazette. Your coffee is brewed, the sun is shining, you sit down in your favorite chair for a moment of Zen and take a peek at the happenings around the world. As you scroll through your timeline or turn the page, an action solely depending on your age, a daunting headline jumps out and grabs you, paralyzing your entire attention span. The headline reads, “Study Finds Eastsiders are far more Superior than Westsiders.” Your eyes drift ever so slightly just underneath the headline, but you already know what’s waiting for you there. Carl Karen, the hack editorialist who you loath in every sense of the word. And like a one song jukebox, Carl is once again invading your home with his half-witted antics on an otherwise beautiful, Cheviot morning. He’s the man you hate the most and the man you love to hate. As your coffee begins to turn lukewarm, skipping over his article this morning and sparing yourself the discomfort isn’t even considered. Carl’s gravitational pull on your mind already have you gritting your teeth. As you consume his words, forgetting to breathe at times, every noun, every verb slowly tiptoes up your back piercing through your very last nerve like sharp daggers, making the hairs on your neck stand straighter than a barracks full of Marines.

Once you finish reading your body is immediately released from Carl’s spell, but the damage has already been done. You turn to your spouse, desperately in need to unburden your thoughts on the disgraceful manner in which journalists have succumb to today. You make an empty threatening remark in vain, “After today we are canceling our subscription to this atrocity they are calling news. They won’t get another penny from this household!” But your distaste goes unnoticed. Your spouse left the room 20 minutes ago and is enjoying their favorite book while looking incredibly happy. You reheat your coffee and sit back down. After taking a few deep breaths collecting your thoughts along the way, you barely even remember Carl. You turn the page or continue to scroll through your timeline, depending once again, solely on your age, and simultaneously another headline from the same publication commands you to stop. The headline reads, “If You Allow the Media to Dictate Your Emotions with False Narratives you Might be a Genius!

After you finish the article you ever so slightly raise your chin in triumph as if you have finally achieved the recognition you so rightfully deserve. As you let out a long sigh, you recognize you did enjoy the article, but it wasn’t anything you didn’t already know. You’re smarter than everyone else but at the same time, it is still nice having honest media coverage reassuring what you already believe to be true. You take one last gulp of coffee and slam your mug back down on the counter. You’re wearing a smile so big it’s overlapping on either side of your face. Smiles are even smiling at other smiles all overjoyed with surrealism and just happy they're witnessing this truly historic moment.

You feel so great you don’t even bother rinsing your mug out in the sink. No, not today. Today the dishes will wait. This is your moment. Drink it in. You call out to your spouse in the other room, “Hey Hunny!?, I’m off to work!” Today is going to be great you think to yourself. Shaking your head with that same cheerful grin. Just before you walk out your front door a moment of clarity dawns on you, “thank God there is still some honest media in this country. I better remind myself to renew our subscription today. Oh, who the hell am I kidding…“Hey Hunny!? Can you renew our subscription to The Western Hills Lukewarm Coffee Press? I don’t want it to expire!”

Don't be a victim of News Amnesia. Subscribe to the Cheviot Gazette today!


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Cheviot Rd, Cincinnati, OH, USA



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